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Wheres your passion?
Lately, I’ve been feeling rather depressed. I keep asking myself the purpose of life and what I’m suppose to do. I want to be passionate, I want to be eager I want to be thirsty for something. I want to do something that is meaningful.
I want to live.
Another question.Why do we have relationships at such a young age, I don’t understand. 90% of the time, this person is not going to be the one you will marry. I mean, I m in a relationship right now, and I hate this feeling knowing that in the end maybe in a year or 5 years or even more things will end, and so, I keep asking myself whats the point? which leads me to my next question… Can you ever be can sure that someone is ‘the one’ you’re suppose to be with for the rest of your life? How sure can you be? It’s like saying if you’re in a relationship and you don’t already know for sure you want to marry this person, then its just another relationship. Or is it?.. I don’t know if its because I ve been watching to many movies and I ve been brain washed by mass media ..but true love seems to be something you’re so sure of right from the beginning. I just don’t know whether I should be having fun and forgetting about my future and what I want or forget about now and focus on the future. Its so confusing because I can’t decide how I feel. I mean in order to find the one, is it vital that you go through the relationship in between? How long do you spend devoted to a relationship? Is it okay to just have a meaningful relationship but no future? Is that okay with me? I m so incredibly confused.
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“how do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?”
Its been quite nice being at home these few days, no drama, no fights, no screaming.. Hopefully it will remain this way as long as possible.
So another one of my “deep meaningful thoughts of the day”. I was watching Blue Valentine and hearing “how do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?” struck a chord. It really got me thinking, have I ever loved anyone? How could it be love when it can goes away so easily? And of course when I say easily, I don’t mean in a few days, I mean months or years and after buckets of tears. But still, you survive and move on, so how can you call that love?
Its quite scary how one person can change how you feel and to trust them not to break your heart, its crazy. I’m really questioning whether I’ve ever loved someone. At moments I truly believed he was the one I wanted to be with, I wanted to share my life with him. But now, it’s really weird thinking how I felt that way and how I was soo sure about him. The fact that I don’t feel that way at all anymore, almost feels like my heart has cheated me. Why do we have to fall in love so many times until you find ‘the one’? Somehow I’m starting to believe there is no ‘the one’ person you’re destined to be with. How do you know he/she is ‘the one, the one’? Maybe its all a coincidence. I’ve heard and seen people get married for years and still end up getting a divorce and meeting someone new who ‘completes’ there life. I think maybe we just happen to meet someone and you fall in love ..blah blah..and it just happens that things work out perfectly for two people, but there are still people out there that you’re compatible with but you just didn’t have the chance to meet them.. and whilst you’re crazy in love with ‘the one’ you start to believe it was fate and that you were destined to be with each other because somehow you were brought together instead of all the other people that you might have met and ended up with. Its just all a leap of faith, you risk everything you’ve got, and you hope for the best. I honestly think its all these romantic movies that put all these idealistic love stories in to peoples heads today and its actually quite unrealistic.
I’d really like to believe that there is one person out there for me, but it’s awful going through the process of finding him. You meet all these guys but, c’mon I doubt any of them are thinking like me… I’m young but every guy I start falling for, I start believing or assuming he’s the one I’d like to be with.. but in the end I’m always the one ending up getting hurt, because I fall for people so easily. It just seems like none of them actually deserve my love.. I mean..these guys just want to have fun, I just don’t think I’m the type just to have fun with.. I don’t understand why they’d want that? don’t they want to keep looking for that one girl they can love? it just seems like their mindsets are soo movie ‘jock’ highschool type like.. to fuck a hot girl or something. I mean yeah.. I m young, I wanna have fun but just not like that, not how most guys are thinking or how I think they are thinking.
It just seems so common that you’d find a guy cheating on their girlfriend/wife even though they love them. I know you start questioning and saying “oh he doesn’t love her” but it does happen so frequently. It just takes my hope in love away, how one can love someone and be swayed to cheat. I have difficulty understanding why guys are so sex driven, why do people have so little self control these days, including myself. It seems like everyones minds are soo fucking corrupted by societies ever-changing standards and concepts of sex.
mm.. I just want to be enough for someone. I think thats what everyone wants in the end, to feel safe. It just seems like I’ve never found that in anyone yet, its like they’re all looking for something more. Just to be enough and not have someone want anything else but you is all I need. Nothing more, nothing less. To be loved for your beauty and to be loved, even more for your flaws.
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accept me flaws and all
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love the unexpected
My day began with quite a downer. Having to rush to get my travel visa way to early in the morning, deprived of sleep and later having to find out that my mac had been BADLY scratched in my bag, it was not a good day for me at-all.
Then, whilst I stood there waiting for my bus and feeling a bit lost, full of raage and impatience I encountered a moment that sparkled my day dearly. There I was, wondering why this guy was looking at me in a weird way and walking towards me.. and feeling a little confused I turned around and saw a blind boy standing next to the bus stop holding a white laminated sign that labelled the buses he needed to get on. Without hesitation, this guy went right over and very kindly helped the boy in to the correct line and gave him assistance ..and for a second, I was shocked and I smiled at the guy. He wasn’t a usual looking guy, not one of those typical guys you’d see, maybe ones that you would give a second glance due to his peculiar hair colour and unique sense of style. Nevertheless, there he was, so kindly offering his help. I was truly taken back for a moment. There were many people there who had probably saw this blind kid holding up his sign, but this particular guy walked right over me and went straight to help him, ever so eagerly. I would presume on a daily basis this guy receives many unfriendly stares from passers, but it was him who offered to help. That truly made my day. Having gotten over my moment of admiration for this guy I realized I was going on the same bus as the blind boy and I decided to help him get on and even though I had offered to help him the same guy again came back to assist him further. I have to say I really look up to this guys kindness.
And as I journeyed my way through some very unfamiliar places on the bus with this boy, I went in to quite a deep thought. I found myself unease, as I was unsure of where I was, and where I suppose to get off. Then, I looked at him and I closed my eyes wondering what it meant to be blind, even for a second and I could only imagine how scared I would be and i realized how brave he was.
It really was a wonderful day. I couldn’t care less about my laptop now. These two guys made my disastrous day a joy.
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nothing is normal
Life has taken a weird turn recently. I m discovering new things about myself and some good, some not so good. I honestly think my life is quite hectic, I didn’t really have a ‘normal’ family and nothing about how I grew up seemed typical.
When I was a lot younger, my brother had a brain tumour. I often lived with my grandparents and my mother’s attention naturally shifted to focus on my brother. I became very self-dependent and till now I hate depending on people. There were horrible nights that I would have to wake up and rush to the hospital whilst my brother was having a seizure. I would watch my mother blame herself for what my brother was going through.
Anyways as time passed my brother recovered. Then, family problems emerged. My mother being drunk all the time, my dad suspected of cheating, my mom throwing her anger at me constantly, crazy fights, my dad leaving and one thing after another just pulled my family apart. And I thought that after the divorce things would turn out better, but.. I was wrong. Things are still as bad, but I m learning to live through it. Its not easy when you don’t really have anyone to talk to, yes I have amazing friends but these things aren’t always easy to talk about and its not something I like talking about, I tend to keep things to myself unless I m actually about to go crazy.
So yeah. thats my life story right there, not very glamourous or anything. I am very privileged for what I have and theres nothing to complain about, but it wasn’t easy for me growing up as I became more and more independent it deteriorated my relationship with my mother. I grew more distant to her, she felt I was being cold but it was only because I was so use to caring for myself and taking control of my own life I didn’t need anyone to help me. I love my mom but I would hate to become like her. I m already starting to have hints and traits of her emotional instability and its not nice. I don’t want to be such a sensitive emotionally crazy freak. Its hard to be happy living so deep in your emotions 24/7, its like every feeling being intensified a 100 times. It will eventually eat you up and probably take your sanity away.
One thing I always dreamt about is being a happy pregnant woman. I think thats one of my greatest dreams, just to become a mother. I think its soo beautiful. Its one thing that would complete my life.
But yeah, guys in the past has been kind of a wreck too. But I’ve promised myself that I wouldn’t be like that again. It’s just crazy how I lived and how I acted. It wasn’t normal. When I fall for someone, ahhh that guys a lucky bastard… I know you’ve prolly heard this before but I’d actually do anything for him… and I kinda lost myself in those few years. BUT, here I am.. discovering myself and trying really hard to heal and forgive the things that had happened in the past. : )
I sincerely hope this will be a wonderful year to come
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(Source: deelouie)
